"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold" Psalm 18:2
This week I am blessed with respite from the craziness of my busy practice, and I have spent time with my family at the beach. We have slept late, watched television, lazed around, napped, played with the dogs, and we have eaten every time our stomachs even start to feel empty. It has been what I can only imagine a part of heaven must be like!
So many days, especially lately, I have felt completely overwhelmed at work. I have delivered a lot of sad news, which is particularly heartbreaking right before Christmas. I never understand why so many people get so critically ill just before the holidays. I know illness does not follow a calendar, but it seems I always have a jump in numbers of cancer relapses, infections, and just general "turns for the worse" right around the holiday season. I have speculated that perhaps it is the stress of the holidays that weakens the body to a threshold beyond what the body can handle. Or perhaps, there are other influences of which I am unaware. Suffice it to say, I am always apprehensive about being on call over Christmas. I know there will be completely unforeseen emergencies, and I am always on edge just waiting for the next call.
The amazing thing I have learned throughout the years, however, is that such devastating news never seems to affect my patient the way I would predict. I mean to say, I have delivered news that I would literally crumble under if I were given the same news...like having to tell someone they have only about a month or two to live. I cannot imagine hearing those words should I ever be told.
I had a patient once who was my age, and had a son the same age as my son. I immediately identified with her and her circumstances. She was a single mother and at the time so was I. She had a devastating cancer that ultimately took her life. And every time I saw her, my heart sank, and tears were always on the brink of bursting through. I tried so hard to remain strong for her (who can feel good about their doctor if their doctor cannot hold it together?) but it was so hard some days!
Regardless of any bad news I ever told her, she seemed to always be okay. Some might call it denial? But she never seemed out of touch with what she was going through. She made arrangements for her very young son that he would always be taken care of. She traveled with him all the way until the days before her death. And her son was amazing too. His strength was nothing short of miraculous.
How could she remain so calm and collected - and sane - through such a trial? There are so many possible scientific explanations - denial, medications, depression - but I know the only way she had the strength and courage to face what she faced was because God had given her the strength to do so. He surrounded her by angels and told her that her son would be okay and so would she. Her healing did not come in the form of physical healing in her earthly body, but when God took her home, she did not suffer any more. She was healed of the cancer.
I am in the midst of reading an amazing account of a near death experience entitled To Heaven and back: A doctor's extraordinary Account of Her Death, Heaven, Angels and Life Again (Mary C. Neal, MD). Dr. Neal is an orthopedic surgeon who died in a kayak accident and went to heaven, then returned and recounts her entire experience, and how it changed her life. She suffered such physical injury and pain, and yet even her death she describes only as a blessing. Her perspective on suffering is so much like the perspective from my conversations with patients. So many times what I would say would be my worst nightmare (being told I have 2 months to live, for example), my patients tell me they have been blessed by such news. Somehow the tragedy is transformed into bringing us closer to our Lord - our Healer, our Strength, our Father. We feel His presence with an unknown sense, and His presence is enough that we know everything is going to be okay. Both for ourselves and for our loved ones. Hebrews 13:5 assures us "never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 tells us "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified...for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
I have seen first hand the peace and comfort of the Lord in times of what should be insurmountable grief. His love is unconditional and always present. Even in the direst of circumstances we cannot even comprehend. We look to Him, we are guided to Him and we have comfort and healing from Him and only Him.
"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut 31:9
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